I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
