Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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