im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
