mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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