I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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