My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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