you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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