sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I fill condoms, not promises.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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