I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
You can't special order awesome
i think i have two assholes
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Everclear isn't food dammit
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
