I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
