So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
