im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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