Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
