Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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