I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
