He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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