he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Houston, we have a squirter
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
