If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
