No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
