We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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