Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
