Just fell off a train. Bad.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize