She said her name was "party"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
