Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
