remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize