why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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