I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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