so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
