Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
