Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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