Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
