You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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