Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
operation have a gay friend backfired
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize