i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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