Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
