I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
