i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
