This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize