You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize