woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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