I'm lost and stupid without you.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
