Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
