Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
