We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
