I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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