dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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