Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
