I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
