Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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