sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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