I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
