you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
