Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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