The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Shame is for Republicans.
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