The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
