Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
