Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
