My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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