Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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